Up Close and Personal: Another Day

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As'salam and greetings, everyone. It has been a while since I posted anything. As mentioned before, I have been MIA since the exam days in April were over. The results were out and Alhamdulillah, it was better than expected.

So, we are met with yet another month of Ramadhan this year, Alhamdulillah... And I can't be anymore happier to spend another year being alive! May Allah SWT bless all of your prayers this month. I have been sharing my Ramadhan days with my family.

Alright, I believe that this blog needs a little update. What better way to share with you guys some things that have been happening in my life for the past few months. I'm sure some of you guys are eager to know since I have been keeping my life as private as possible.

Where do I start?

Well, to be honest with you, nothing major has happened so far. Except of course, I have been busy sorting out paperworks before I fly off for two semesters this coming year. I guess you guys are among the first ones to know where! (other than a few close ones, of course). For my first semester, I will be spending my time in Singapore, studying Theatre & Film in National University of Singapore (NUS). A little background, NUS is currently the No. 1 university in Asia. Well, you can say it's the Oxford of the East. So I'm equally excited yet nervous to start my months in such a prestigious university, but I hope things will go well there, Insha-Allah.

(With that logo, I'll just imagine that I'm admitted into Gryffindor)

So, today I was hit with yet another bad news - all rooted from my indecisions (yet again) I am not foreign to this, truly. There's a big chance that in my second semester I will have to change my initial choice of place to study. I knew this was going to come, somehow. It really took the worst of me, but I am trying to stay calm. So I only pray that Allah SWT listens to my prayer and guide me through all of these.

Anyway, I have been reading a lot of books because of the amount of free time I have (I read 12 books alone last month. Although I'm afraid I've read only 1 book this month due to paperwork stuff). I can honestly say that I'm starting to be OBSESSED with George R. R. Martin's The Song of Ice and Fire. I have only read the first book, so, I cannot wait to get started on the next 5(?) books. I noticed that I have been reading a lot of children's books too. Neil Gaiman, Roald Dahl, C. S. Lewis and N. D. Wilson, to name a few. It's fun to be away from all the adult and serious books every once in a while.

What else? Love life? Lol! I have NEVER talked about this in public, but, here goes (amazing how things just got real deep after midnight!). I have been single for almost two years now since my last serious relationship. I haven't been lucky in this department, to be honest. I learned it the hard way, you guys! Never fall for people too easily. Because I dived in too deep, I could hardly make it back to the surface. I never know the reason why I have been pushing people away these years. I guess since my last relationship last LAST December, I have this mindset that s/he who wants to share his/her life with me has large shoes to fill in (See what I did there? haha). True, there are times when I go really desperate... no, I'm desperate all the time. I'm lonely. I'm depressed. I miss having someone who keeps you going all the time, so I can reciprocate. I like to have someone who I can motivate day by day, someone I can wake up to with love and end the night with love, someone who thinks everything will be OK no matter how bad things are, someone to fight through live every single day, and above all, someone who LOVES me. I miss it. Someone. Anyone.

Have you ever felt like people stay friends with you not because of who you are but rather what you have? I have been having this problem and this also plays a big part in my anxiety problem. I confess, I had suicidal tendencies along the way but I believe I must not talk about this. I read somewhere that people like me, we want our pain to end, not our lives and I can't agree more. This ultimately caused me to turn to books where I find my safest haven. They stay with me and I feel good getting lost within those pages.

Ok, enough talk for now I guess. It would be so lovely to hear some responses from all of you. I've poured my heart out on this post, much more than I initially intended, but I can't keep it to myself.

Lastly, I'd like to apologise to people who I have hurt one way or the other and I really wish you well. And as for the people who have hurt me one way or the other, you are sincerely forgiven and I wish you all the best in your future endeavours.

ps. here are my top 3 favourite music/songs now:

  • You're My Rescue - Van She
  • My Heart is Not a Machine - Whitley
  • The Prayer - Andrea Bocelli + Katharine McPhee (composed by David Foster)

Md Akhmal Aiman

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  1. Hi Akmal, I've always read your blog. We don't really know each other but I think we're count as acquaintaces :) to be honest, after reading this post I feel like I know another side of you because I always heard about how smart you are and really, if you ask me, that what made me follow your blog. It's because you're really intelligent and you inspire me to thrive to my academic success. With that said, don't you feel down okay? Because you don't know how many lives you have inspired--be it your study, your photography, etc.

    Im not trying to put you into pressure! Lol. Because you're human, but an amazing one that is. You'ev always done something inexplicable and amazing things, although I know from you, its ineveitable.

    I hope this motivates you and put a smile on your face as you always do to me. You're destined for great things, don't let anything stop you.

    xo, your loyal reader.

    1. Hello loyal reader,

      Thank you very much. It is inspiring words like this keep me going everyday, especially acquaintances like you.

      It has always been my habit to keep things to myself, especially things that directly affect my emotional state. I don't tell and show people that I almost cry every night to sleep. I just don't like the idea of showing to people that I'm weak. I don't want to disappoint other people - because that's me, I enjoy to genuinely make people happy by showing them I'm happy and successful in the things I do (of which most of the time, people use my generosity as an advantage). But the important lesson here is that despite how intelligent, how successful, how noble one can be, we are all humans too. We all go through tough things and tough times - mine happens to be my emotional state.

      Nevertheless, inspiring words from people like you lift me up. And I'm forever thankful for that. I apologise for not updating my blog or not so active in anything else, though. But I DO hope that you keep updated. If there's anything that I can do to help or motivate you or you want me to post anything, then, just let me know. I really wish you all the best in everything. Your kind words have shown me and made me believe with full guarantee that great things will come to you for many years :)

      With love,

    2. Hello again, Akhmal. I'm glad that I've lifted you up with my words. I meant everything I say :)

      Just so you know, if you could have told (or not) that you were weak, I wouldn't be thinking any less of you, in fact, I'll be even more inspired because if you do, then we're much likely to be alike. I, also, occasionally cry myself to sleep because most of the time, I feel sorry for myself. For the past few years, I've been training myself not to set up my own pity party, not only its unhealthy but frankly, it actually felt good. But yes, in reality, it isn't. It's a form of self-degradation, self-hate, etc. I know I needed to live my life in a positive way as a change. So that's when I focus 100% on my academics. It is the least I could do with my talent-less self. Suprisingly, my results spiked. And at some point of my study, you were my inspiration and I want to thank you for it. So, thank you Akhmal. You are part of the reason why I'm happy with my academic performance today.

      And also, I'd like to apologize for commenting as an anonymous as I am very, very shy. I'm too introverted to function (know what movie I'm referencing? XD). Most of the times I'd like you as my friend but I know I'm not in your league but I'm fine with it. Us as acquaintances is enough for me to instill some motivation. I hope you're not curious of who I am, because I'd much prefer us communicating like this. Hope you would understand.

      your loyal reader.

    3. Hello loyal reader,

      I'm very glad I play a part in your life at some point, I hope things will go toward the right direction always. And trust me, no one is talent-less. You have talents, for sure, you just don't know what they are yet. Who knows you could be in the olympics or the oscars - you haven't discovered those talents, have you? lol! Regardless, I'm glad that I can help.

      As for the curiosity, oh you in biiiig trouble now cause I hold on this curiosity FOREVER if I have to. haha... One thing though, what IS your definition of my league? I never thought I'd have a 'league' - I'm pretty much accepting as a person. I mean, I'm so friendly that I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy (now you know what movie I'm referencing?) hahaha... Anyway, if you're fine with it, I don't mind, although I'd prefer otherwise - you know, privacy, but yet again, I'd understand it. No pressure. My good guess is that you're a girl. (see? already trying to feed my curiosity with my linguistic analysis. haha)

      Anyway, really looking forward for your reply & have a great week ahead

    4. Hi Akhmal!

      Of course you have a league. You're like in smart people league. Don't you agree? And yes, I do sort of know that you're pretty accepting but idk, it's just me? And also, yes, you got that part right, I am a girl ;) but stop guessing right there. Haha.

      By the way, I am curious, what camera do you use?

    5. Hahaha... Ok, I'll stop guessing, no worries. And no, I don't pick my crowds. I'm perfectly fine with anyone despite their background (unless they're SUPER toxic and annoying, then, no).

      I use Canon EOS 6D. I have owned it for 3 years now, I think. But back then I was a noob myself when it comes to picking the kind of camera - especially the Canon vs. Nikon question - so I listened to everyone's advice bluntly. I knew it was a good investment and 70% of the time, I highly depend on post-processing (editing - Photoshop), of which I learned to develop overtime, by myself and in my university classes. Long story short, doesn't matter what camera - just get a clear one that satisfy your needs & it's all about techniques - lightings, compositions, colour - which requires a great deal of practice, but it's possible to master it through self-taught.

  2. Don't we all want to be heard and understood sometimes? haha.

    Hi there. :) here's another silent reader for you. Just would like to thank you for another heartwarming update (like finally!). Its never easy to open up, and I applaud you for being so brave. Thanks for being such an inspiration, and omg, I'm just as excited for you for your upcoming dy! Wishing you all the best,... don't forget to keep us readers updated too, haha

    Silent reader

    1. Hello there silent reader,

      I can't agree more, of course sometimes we wish to be heard. Prayers, cries, etc. And thank you SO much for letting me know you're there actually reading this so-so blog. lol. I'm working on it. Yes, it's not easy to open up especially when you've been keeping this to yourself for a while.

      And thank you, I hope the DY goes well. FOR SURE, there will be more things to blog about once I'm in SG. That being said, I will definitely keep you updated. What do you think I should blog about once I'm there? Places to visit? Shop? Hehe... Just let me know anything that interests you.

      Have a good week ahead!

      -AA. x

  3. I saw the nomination list at FASS yesterday. It says you were nominated to go to UCLA! I hope this stays true. Beverly Hills baby!

    1. Oh my God. hahahahaha. that's actually an old list. well that's the plan for 2nd semester anyway, but I'm not so sure yet cause it's sooooo expensive. and also because i'm planning to intern instead. we'll see...

    2. Anonymous27/8/15, 1:17 AM

      So when will you be flying to Singapore?

    3. If everything goes well, I'll fly off on the 27th later this month. Just less than 3 weeks away!

    4. Yay! Have a safe flight. You should do a post about you're gonna pack with you, it'll be fun to read :)

    5. oooh, that's gonna be a tough one this time - i'm packing with me the whole CLOSET. haha... we'll see about that. if not, i'll be posting one on my first day there. and thanks! God bless you.